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Getting Open: Retired Bear Kyle Long Advocates for Mental Health

By: Lindsey Young

Kyle Long has woken up more than once in the throes of a night terror.

The former Bears offensive lineman recently recounted dreams in which he sees himself locked out of an NFL stadium, desperately trying to find his way in.

"You can hear your quarterback's bones crunching, and you're the guy that's supposed to be blocking the guy that's doing the crunching," Long described.

It's been seven years since Long has played in an NFL game, but the anxiety that can creep in unannounced sometimes still rears its ugly head.

"This stuff weighs on you heavy as an athlete," he said. "Particularly in the position that I played, where my success looks like safe teammates — and my failures look like there could be [trainers] on the field. I'm extremely cognizant of the pressure on offensive linemen. It's a quarterback-driven league, and this was made clear by every offensive line coach I ever had."

Long knows all about protecting the quarterback.

He spent eight seasons in the NFL, his first seven with division-rival Chicago, and earned three Pro Bowl nods for his work keeping the pocket clean.

Though he no longer dons a helmet and pads on Sunday — he's exchanged them for a suit jacket and notecard with CBS Sports — Long is continuing to look out for those around him, now in the form of mental health advocacy. As a long-time advocate and someone who's been vulnerable about his experience with ADHD, anxiety and depression, Long is just as passionate about redefining the mental health standard as he is about the game of football.

He's particularly zealous about modifying how men, as well as fellow athletes, approach mental healthcare.

"It's really important to have these conversations because, just like we lift weights to get stronger, and we get on the Stairmaster for our heart health … why don't you do a check-in on your mental health?" Long asked. "I consider it to be a muscle, and it does atrophy if you don't face it square on.

'I have a good heart'

Reflecting on his childhood, Long remembers wondering why he so often felt he didn't quite fit in, despite being athletically gifted and succeeding at an early age.

"I like to think I was patient 1A in the Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder community," he quipped before changing tones and adding, "For people who have gone through it their whole lives … I had a really, really hard childhood.

"Both my parents were there, and they loved me and my brothers, and I was athletic, and I never wanted for anything," Long continued. "But the only thing I did want for was some sort of understanding of, why do I feel the certain way I do? Why do I never fit in? Why do I struggle to have conversations with people that are meaningful and more than just, 'Hey, how's the weather?'

"It was really, really hard for me," he said.

Long acknowledged the many positive aspects that accompany playing sports, including forming bonds with teammates and the feeling of winning.

But what about the not-so-positive things for a young athlete navigating mental health challenges — especially when they're unaware that's what is going on.

"What about when I forget my socks every practice? What about when I can't play this weekend because I forgot to turn in that homework assignment? And people start to think you're a bad guy," Long said. "I remember just being like, 'I have a good heart. I know I have a good heart. I'm a good person.' But people say mean things."

He added: "And then you grow up and you realize you're a 32-year-old who still feels the same way you did at 11. And you're like, 'What did I miss here?' "

When the pot boils over

Long navigated the ups and downs throughout his high school and college football stops before the Bears drafted him 20^th overall out of Oregon.

The beginning of Long's career could not have gone better.

"I was on a rocket ship," he said. "I made the Pro Bowl my first year. I was an All-Pro my second year. My third year, one of my teammates was injured, and I had to switch to tackle. I made the Pro Bowl there, too. It was like I closed my eyes at the arcade and I'm just hitting every balloon with the darts. I cannot miss."

In 2016, however, Long battled multiple injuries — including a strained triceps that sidelined him from the Week 8 game against Minnesota. Then in Week 10 at Tampa Bay, he suffered a significant ankle injury that landed him on Injured Reserve.

Long missed the remainder of that season and returned for the 2017 offseason. That summer, a day during joint practices with the Colts turned out to be a catalyst for seeking mental health support.

"Training camp's one of the most stressful times because instead of 53 [on the roster], there's a hundred guys. The competition is ramped up. It's the first time you're hitting. It's hot-as-a-you-know-what out there, and you can't even think," Long said. "You don't have time to dwell in self-pity or sorry or whatever, because you're so busy."

He recalled a particularly brutal practice session against Indianapolis, during which the Colts "lit us up" and provided a rude awakening for Long and so many of his teammates who felt the Bears had a solid team heading into the season.

When the team bus arrived back at the following practice, Long didn't get off.

"They go up to meetings, they go up to lunch, and I can't move. I have a two-ton truck on my shoulders and on my soul," Long said. "I just remember the cathartic feeling of being able to just open the floodgates, and my tears just started coming.

"For those of you who go through depression, anxiety and these kinds of things, you understand the feeling of it being right there below the surface all the time," he added. "But when it boils over — when that pot of boiling water actually reaches the top, it is like, ugh."

Long sat alone on the bus for 90 minutes before missing a team meeting prompted Bears QB Jay Cutler and Offensive Coordinator Adam Gase to look for and locate him.

The simple interaction that ensued has stuck with Long for the nearly 10 years since.

"I remember there weren't any words, but the communication was clear," he said. "I got the hand on the shoulder, the big hug: You're going to be all right, buddy.

"It was the first time in the league where it was like, 'It's OK that you feel this way,' " Long reflected.

It's OK to not be OK.

Upon the Bears return to Chicago, Long visited with a team clinician, Gloria, whom he would continue to see on a regular basis. With her help and support, Long started to recognize he wasn't alone in battling unseen struggles.

"What a great way to go reach your hand out, shake a hand, go say something to somebody: 'I've been really struggling with this lately. What have you been struggling with lately?' Maybe there's a solution that could be shared by us, or maybe it'll lead us to a third party and we solve something," Long said. "The next thing you know, your football team's better and your life is better and your wife's happier to see you when you get home and your kids run to you."

You're not alone

Through the rest of his NFL career and now in his post-playing days working with CBS Sports, Long has continued to care for his mental health.

He's a spokesperson for the cause, encouraging others to put their mental health first, as well. Long currently is active in Generation Fine, a campaign to "stop settling for 'good enough.' "

Approximately 332 million people worldwide — including Long — live with depression. More than 21 million adults in the United States alone navigate major depressive disorder (MDD), one of the most common types of the condition.

If you're someone who falls into the categories above, Long wants you to know you're not alone. If you deal with anxiety, ADHD or obsessive-compulsive disorder, you are not alone.

There is hope.

"The great news is, we're not out of the game and we can still get into it. And quite frankly, there's a different game that we play. Honestly, I wear it like a badge of honor now," he said. "My ADHD used to walk in the room before I did, in a bad way. You would just be like, 'That kid has something going on.' Now I wear it and it's like, 'This guy is electric.' It's funny how perspective changes.

"Hang on to the things that are good. And if there's margins you have to tweak, do it — reach out to somebody and talk to somebody, because you're not alone," Long continued. "We're all a bit [messed up], and it's what makes things beautiful. If paintings were all uniform, if art was created by computers, the imperfections wouldn't be appreciated."

Long understands the pressure and expectations athletes face on a daily basis. He also understands better than most that mental health challenges do not discriminate and that depression can affect anyone, regardless of financial standing, social status, ethnicity, family situation or religion.

Mental illness continues to carry more stigma within certain communities. Long is heartened, however, by seeing the tide turn over the past few years.

"One of my favorite lyricist/songwriters by the name of Nelly … said, 'Never let them see you sweat,' " he said. "As a kid, you take these messages not only from the media you listen to or watch. James Bond, he was always even-keel. And all these characters that I grew up loving, Master Chief from Halo … he never had emotions. All of my heroes, none of them had emotions.

"My hero in my house is my dad Howie, and he is as stoic [as they come], but I'll tell you this: there's a storm that brews inside of him, and he's my best friend, and we talk about it," Long added. "And when I went through nights where I couldn't sleep and had panic attacks, he told me, 'Buddy, I had the same thing when I was playing. It's just, you're lucky that you guys get to talk about it now.' "

You are not alone. If you or a loved one are struggling today, please reach out for support.

Minnesota Addiction Hotline: 866-210-1303

People, Incorporated: 651-774-0011

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness): nami.org

NAMI MN: namimn.org | 651-645-2948

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

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